just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
