sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
