you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
