In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He did a backflip because drugs
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize