I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
