Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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