Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
