You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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