remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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