I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
