I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
