I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
