It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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