Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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