I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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