i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
