at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
