Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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