I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
we're so committed to being not committed
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
