Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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