There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
