Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
