I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize