Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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