I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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