when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
