how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i believe in u and ur pee
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
