If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
