Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
