if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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