yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
