just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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