I'm so fucking centered right now
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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