She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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