you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
