We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
