So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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