i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
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