Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
