she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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