So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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