Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Sober January is a disaster.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
