I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
