This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
