I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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