his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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