whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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