marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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