you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
