i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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