I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
