Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
