When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We got so high we made milksteak
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
