My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
