There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
