i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
