Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
