What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
