Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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