Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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