sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
