Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
