i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
