I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize