the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
