I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
They took my balls.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
