just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
