I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
