I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
