1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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