If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
