I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
