Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
