I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
