Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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