Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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