What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
